Passing for thin..

I wonder if it's ever going to stop feeling weird that I'm not the biggest person in the room anymore. When I was 12 I was slightly overweight... and I remember walking down the street and trying to comfort myself by looking at adults who were larger than me and thinking, 'well, that person probably wishes they were MY size'. That idea kind of stuck with me for a long time. I didn't realize how big I was getting. In college, I looked around the swarm of people who were passing me in the hallways and realized that I could no longer point out anyone bigger than me. I had become the biggest one in the room. There was no comfort there. Not that there should have been comfort being the second biggest in the room, but you know what I'm saying.

I still have a long way to go. Sometimes I still am the biggest in the room. It's funny to me.. that when I was 80 lbs heavier, most of the time I failed to realize. You know when you take your mind out of your body and view the scene from up above? I looked like everyone else in my mind. Then you see pictures.. And I knew my weight was out of control when I could no longer take a good face pic because my face looked so puffy and... swollen, almost. Now that I've lost 80 lbs (I'm still obese, mind you.. I have to lose 5-6 more lbs before I'm only 'overweight') ... I feel fatter than I ever did sometimes. I'm so aware of it now. My mind has not caught up with my body at all. Even though I'm still obese.. I look pretty 'regular'. No one would probably walk past me and think 'boy, is she fat' in their head. I'm not thin.. but I'm not worth commenting on either. I sit in a weird limbo and I'm just trying to get my mind caught up.

In other news, I recently read the book Passing For Thin: Losing Half My Weight and Finding Myself by Frances Kuffel. It's a great book for anyone losing a significant amount of weight. I liked it.