sigh

I was all excited at the beginning of the week because the scale was finally moving.. and in the right direction! I was down 4.5 lbs and it was awesome. Short-lived, but awesome. This morning I'm right where I started from...

I know I shouldn't weigh myself every day. and I don't. (I weigh myself every other day, haha). I should probably cut back to the whole once a week thing. Especially since the scale is slowwww moving. I go to the doctor at the end of May and I'm pretty excited (my doctor is just a short 10 hr drive away.. so I don't see her often.) Maybe this will boost some weight loss. I just wish I wasn't soooo sensitive about it. Ah well. I want to lose this weight so badly but it seems that somewhere in the mix I became kind of complacent. I want that excitement that I had when I first started losing... 'cause that was a great time. You start out feeling like you're doing something impossible because you have so much weight to lose.. and then you lose half of it (or in my case, 2/3 of it) and it becomes kind of 'whatever'. I don't want it to be! I know once I see the numbers moving again I'll get excited and get this done.

Biggest Loser **spoiler**

Okayyyy. so just got done watching Biggest Loser. LOVE this show, seriously.. but, 3 hours for the finale? Really? Movies aren't even that long. I love seeing the transformations. It's crazyyyy. And Jerry.. wow.

Did anyone else think it was crazy that they made America vote for one of those two girls to get on the biggest loser? We're barely introduced to these girls and now we decide their fate? That's crazy. They could both be so deserving. Or undeserving. How do we choose? And then one gets rejected on national television? Not cool, Biggest Loser. Not cool.

Raise your hand if you thought Helen looked crazy. (*raises hand*.. holla!) She went overboard. She looked sick. I can see the headlines in a year... 'Former Biggest Loser contestant hospitalized for anorexia' .. or something crazy like that. 117 lbs? Maybe I'm just bitter that Tara didn't win. Tara should have won. Grrrr.

Can't wait for the next season!

PS - I love Jillian.. total crush. ahah.

blog comments?

Maybe I just use facebook or myspace too often... but.. does this whole blog thing REALLY not tell me when someone has left me a comment? ... I mean, what if someone leaves me a comment on a super old entry? I would never know!

.... am I missing something here?

Passing for thin..

I wonder if it's ever going to stop feeling weird that I'm not the biggest person in the room anymore. When I was 12 I was slightly overweight... and I remember walking down the street and trying to comfort myself by looking at adults who were larger than me and thinking, 'well, that person probably wishes they were MY size'. That idea kind of stuck with me for a long time. I didn't realize how big I was getting. In college, I looked around the swarm of people who were passing me in the hallways and realized that I could no longer point out anyone bigger than me. I had become the biggest one in the room. There was no comfort there. Not that there should have been comfort being the second biggest in the room, but you know what I'm saying.

I still have a long way to go. Sometimes I still am the biggest in the room. It's funny to me.. that when I was 80 lbs heavier, most of the time I failed to realize. You know when you take your mind out of your body and view the scene from up above? I looked like everyone else in my mind. Then you see pictures.. And I knew my weight was out of control when I could no longer take a good face pic because my face looked so puffy and... swollen, almost. Now that I've lost 80 lbs (I'm still obese, mind you.. I have to lose 5-6 more lbs before I'm only 'overweight') ... I feel fatter than I ever did sometimes. I'm so aware of it now. My mind has not caught up with my body at all. Even though I'm still obese.. I look pretty 'regular'. No one would probably walk past me and think 'boy, is she fat' in their head. I'm not thin.. but I'm not worth commenting on either. I sit in a weird limbo and I'm just trying to get my mind caught up.

In other news, I recently read the book Passing For Thin: Losing Half My Weight and Finding Myself by Frances Kuffel. It's a great book for anyone losing a significant amount of weight. I liked it.

pathetic.

Who thinks it's okay to celebrate FINALLY losing some weight after a 3 month plateau by eating bad food? Really? No one? That's what I seem to do every time I lose weight. heck, I don't even think you can call the past 3 months a plateau so much as a 'wow, I'm lucky I only gained 3 pounds because I'm only eating crap'. I am truly lucky to have hardly gained any weight in the past couple of months. I went on a two week, very last minute, trip for work which involved eating out for every single meal (no joke). and since I got back, I haven't been able to stop eating out. It's pathetic. So the scale has stayed the same to my dismay (I should be breathing a sigh of relief when I step on it and it's the same ... seriously). This weekend, I finally have a drop of 4.5 lbs. (It could be the liquids I was on for a couple days)... and suddenly all hell breaks loose. *rolls eyes* I'm a little pathetic.

but hey, I'm updating my blog. so kudos to me.

people never update their blogs anymore, lol. it makes me not want to update mine. i see a vicious cycle coming on.

i don't feel good today. blah.

running kicks my ass. in case anyone was wondering.
that's all.